Rehab – Day Six
Well, it inevitably kicked off last night. Walked out to have a cigarette to find D—-, S——– and some others having a heated discussion with B– (who from here on in will be known as ‘the asshole’). He said something about me which I didn’t catch, so I asked him to repeat it and bang, we were off. He tried to get the others on side by saying that my angrily flushed cheeks were a sign of guilt. I set him and the others straight. Shouting followed and he then admitted that he’d said he “would fuck me hard” but I should have noticed that he didn’t say my name (true) and didn’t look me in the eyes (false). Talk about objectification! I was pretty sick of his slimy face by this point so I left but unfortunately, because I had forgotten to breathe during the argument, I started to hyperventilate. Alf—, who works here and is amazing, managed to eventually calm me down with a star-gazing session.
I feel really uncomfortable today, because despite the fact that I wrote down every exchange I had shared with the asshole, there seems to be no consequences for him. I noted that he had invited me into his room to translate Beatles lyrics (I left ‘for a cigarette’ because I felt weird about being in his lair), given me sweets (which I gave to S——–) and did not once during all the conversations we had say he would rather I wasn’t so vulgar – not that I was, but as anyone who has spent any time with me will know I can sometimes be an over-sharer – which is what he later said. Fuck him. Almost everyone, including some members of staff, have since come to me and said he’s really not worth anything. So he’ll not be using up any more of my page or thought space.
S——– is in a bad mood. Despite the fact that I have tried to council her and have shared my laptop and tobacco, she believes it’s appropriate to chase me down the corridor to tell me off because I accidentally let the door slam. Whoops, she has just stormed in and out of the room without saying anything to me! I like her, but for now I think it’s best to avoid her. I need to try and avoid everyone, actually, I am sick of the small talk and worrying about whether I am offending people or not, blah, blah, blah. It’s always going to be difficult when one considers that we are all in withdrawal, all have a myriad of background problems and some of us are simply not very nice people. I’m sick of pretending I’m one of the nice junkies.
Speaking of nice junkies, A— left yesterday along with – although pointedly not in the same car – all of the Russians. Apparently the others’ urine samples had come back positive from the laboratory and he wasn’t being allowed to be retested. Guilt by association. It’s a shame; I found him interesting and it means I have lost an ally. It feels really empty without them and I can’t be bothered to get to know the new people. When I was cleaning out the hen and goose sheds, I could imagine that I was the only one here and that they were my animals. But as soon as I re-enter the building and am confronted with a sea of miserable faces, I am reminded that I will never be able to afford a nice house or to have animals. I might as well go home now, take a hefty dose of calming, warming H and slip-slide quietly into the darkness.