Rehab – Day Four
by asifemily
24/03/14
Arose at roughly ten past seven this morning and immediately – for the first time, might I add – let the geese, hens and ducks out of their nightly quarters. After furnishing them with grain, I collected the night’s batch of eggs. They are relatively small and have a pale, blemish free shell. In the grain store is a print-out about the breed, the name of which I must remember to note down, as they are rare hens that were on the edge of extinction, according to M——- (the blonde lady; she comes across as very ‘farm-y’ and showed me yesterday the incubator, full with eggs waiting to hatch tomorrow).
Being here has made me think about my future, whether I want to live in the city or not. I think I’d like to move to the outskirts of F——– after (if I am able) either a Studium or an Ausbildung.
Later…
Why can’t I feel anything? I know why: the anti-depressants. I don’t feel depressed, naturally, but I also don’t feel happy…or anything, really. I keep trying to make myself sad but it doesn’t work. I am sick, sick, sick of it. I want to take drugs. I want to inject myself with heroin or crack. At the moment, even though I am still on Polamethadone – Al— just came in to ‘lend’ me his tobacco, filters and cigarette machine because he knows I haven’t got any money or Tabak. It would have brought a tear to my eye if I wasn’t made of stone – I would – oh God, just came back and told me to finish the tin. Yeah, shed a tear but pretty sure it was just for show – definitely hit that brown. I need sister Heroin to soothe my soul. Golden brown.
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Polamidon? Levomethadone? I am totally jealous. Germany is the only place in the WORLD where you can get levomethadone. Everywhere else methadone is racemic, meaning it contains dextromethadone as well, which has been linked to heart arrythmias and QT prolongation, and is not part of a healthy breakfast.
But the monkey from Pola is insane! And I also take antidepressants (Sertraline), which apparently interact with ‘methadone and increase the plasma concentration, so you are effectively taking more than the dose.
Another downer is when you take Pola, you don’t feel heroin. It was for that reason that I started injecting crack, which was far more damaging for my health (abscesses, burst veins, the lot) and wallet; once you have one hit, you have to take another.
I would much rather be clean 80% of the time and on heroin for the other 20% than take a substitute full time. Plus it’s less fun taking things orally 😉
Trust me, I know.
I wish there were better maintenance options here than methadone and buprenorphine… are there no other maintenance options in Germany either?
I had a lot of problems with sertraline and SSRIs in general. Side fx. It’s funny all the things that potentiate methadone though… like grapefruit juice, and cimetidine.
I would rather do that too, but it’s pretty tough and it becomes all or nothing for me. I wanted to stop using street drugs, anyway. I’ve also quit methadone (ugh). The transition is the key when you get on it. I kept my dose low enough so that I could keep using h, then I gradually got more used to methadone and started using less and less until I stopped. It took some months. But that’s what they do when transitioning you between benzos. Even in the same class of drugs, you have to transition. I always tried to tell clinic counselors this when they asked how I wasn’t using any longer, while most people were. Well, I’d been on longer. It takes time to switch over from h.
But I’m not trying to be a methadone advocate. The withdrawal is so horrific.
As far as maintenance methods go, they offer normal methadone, pola and subutex too…but the one I find most interesting is the diamorphine programme. Normally the last resort for users of 20 years or so, it involves at first a thrice daily self-administered injection of diamorphine until they determine the correct dosage; you can then go to the clinic once a day.
The interesting point is that the programme here is not doing so well – high dropout rates, funding problems etc. Which may be the reason why the crazy chief doctor at my old clinic wanted to enroll me. Despite the fact that I am officially too young and don’t meet a few of the other criterias.
I’m not going to lie, I was so tempted. The idea of shooting up pure heroin – for free – every day, is almost the holy grail of IV addiction! But to be so unable to lead a normal life, to be dependent on the clinic, not able to visit my family at the drop of a hat, not able to work…these negatives definitely outweighed the positives for me :-S
Wow, that’s great they even have a diamorphine program, I think it’s necessary, it beats the streets. I hate to see people suffer because of the drug laws more than the drugs. On the other hand, it’s not for me, either. I’d rather take a maintenance drug orally, and get a decent amount, like a normal rx, not be chained to a clinic. And maybe diamorphine is so short acting it’s not a great maintenance drug 😉 But there’s a study showing oral time release morphine works better than even methadone at keeping people from using.